IMG_1282I went back to work on June 8th after I had Reese. I love my job but my heart hurts. The kids love their preschool and I trust their teachers.  But every morning is a huge struggle.  Packing lunches, feeding Reese, making bottles, breakfast time and packing my pump and laptop.  Don’t even mention if Chris or I need a shower. Mason always wants to play with his Legos and Mia always wants to steal them.  I rarely wear my hair outside of a pony tail because mornings are just too insane no matter how much I try to prepare the night before.  I rarely eat breakfast at home because I have no time if I want to get to work at a decent time.

Driving to work today I was thinking about Reese at preschool and remembered one of her caregivers saying something about her usual nap time in the morning.  I realized I don’t know when that nap time is and it is breaking my heart.  I know when I stayed home when Mason and Mia were babies and only worked part-time, I knew their nap schedules.  I don’t know about Reese’s day until I read her report from school. 😦

My husband was in daycare as an infant and I asked him if he remembered being away from his mom even though I knew the answer.  He said nope.  However, I feel like I am hurting my kids by putting them in preschool even though they are learning more than I could ever teach them.  Mason couldn’t write his name at the beginning of his three’s class, but now he can write it and he’s damn proud of it.   Mia sings so much and I love it – she learned that from preschool, too.  Her favorite is “manners are important”.  It goes like this (written how Mia sings) –

Please and thank you please and thank you sounds so nice, sounds so nice, mannahs are impourtant, mannahs are impourtant, be polite, be polite.

They come home everyday with lots of beautiful drawings and artwork for me.  We talk about our days on the way home, and Mia always says “I miss you at wuhk mama!” Mason usually asks if I can pick him up early the next day.  When I ask if they love preschool, they say yes.  In fact, on my maternity leave, Mason cried because he missed preschool.

These kids are my world and I would move mountains to make them happy and stop them from crying.  I have been a stay at home and been unhappy.  It always felt like Groundhog Day and we never had any money to do fun things.  But I also loved it.  I loved the freedom of being flexible with our days and naps.  I loved letting them sleep in and staying in our pajamas all day.  I loved being able to go visit my mom and be there waiting for her when we she got home from work.  I loved being there to get them up from their naps and make their lunches for them.  There are ups and downs to both.

I genuinely enjoy my job most days.  What I don’t like is being judged for being a mother or having it used against me.  When my kids are sick, I will be with them.  I don’t care if I have to leave early or work from home another day of the week.  I have a one-up that most other working moms don’t have, and that is that we can afford for me to NOT work if I ever decide to.  We have paid off loans in order to free up extra money each month.  My only concern with dropping out of the marketing field entirely through 2020 (when Reese goes to kindergarten) is that I won’t be able to find a job when I’m ready to come back.

Every so often I will just randomly bust out crying, especially Sundays and Wednesdays.  I’m not sure why Wednesdays are so hard for me.  I always get weepy when I think about leaving Reese at the preschool or when I have to hand her off to the ladies in the infant room.  It’s so tough every morning to clock them in and walk out the door.